They are hurting and slowly destroying you? But you love them but beginning to resent them. It's true there is a fine line between love and hate. It is just realising what emotion it is you feel.

..."tragedy is a tool for the living to gain wisdom, not a guide by which to live."

In retrospect there are many things we would have done different at certain times. We can't change the past but the future is there for the taking. So go live and glance back at the past as a reminder, but don't stare and become fixated.

eulogy noun (eulogies) 1 a speech or piece of writing in praise of someone or something. 2 high praise.

So ok imagine it is your funeral and there you are looking down. Watching and hoping that people are crying because you are dead. You want them to miss you and understand the impact you have had on their lives.
Then out of the congregation someone gets up and walks slowly to the front and climbs to the pew. Their heart is heavy and all they see are clouds that darken the sky. They start to read the eulogy they have wriiten about you. Words they have pondered and spent countless hours on.
Still you are watching from high, the words are beautiful and if still in the living world you may shed a tear.
BUT how much of what they say is true?

When I die the last words I want said about me is the truth. The only way that is going to happen is if I write my own eulogy and find someone I can trust to read it.

No one person knows you completley so it is hard for them to sum up your life in one speech. One friend knows something about me that another does not. That does not make them any less of a friend it just means when my eulogy is read that the only person who can give the full story is me.

Thats why this is only part one. Will write my eulogy next. (this is not me being depressed it is realising that there is nobody who knows me well enough, to say the complete honest truth.)

...after nearly twenty years on anti-depressants, I stopped them. Seven months I had been without them but today I had enough. So I got prozac again and when I took the first tablet I felt a sense of relief when I was swallowing it and then disappointment and shame that I could not last without some chemical to make me feel better. All I am thinking is when can I take the next one.

.....and I am sat home alone. My husband has gone out with a group of friends tonight. Not all bad I have a bottle of wine (drumming fingers, I am a little bored now!) What I really want at the moment is a cuddle and the person who is giving me a hug, for it to feel like they really mean it.
Going to get another drink and stop listening to sad music!!!

Life is short, so why do we all act as if we have the whole of eternity?

I was at work today in Worcester (I am a security guard) when I saw a girl rush in. She went to a department and started looking frantically. I spoke to her and she said she had lost some money £20. She was crying and beside herself just repeating over and over again "My mum will kill me". I told her I would call her mum and explain, and that if we find the money we have her details to return it to her.
She then told us it was her foster mum, this girl was petrified, shaking and tearful. She left the store but came back ten minutes later looking relieved. She had spoken to her brother who was going to lend her the money so she would not get into trouble. She had to walk to a hostel that he lived in to fetch it.
She can't have been more than twelve, and I can't stop thinking of her.
The fear and hopelessness on her face it is haunting me.
I have her details and I want to make sure she is ok, but not sure it is the right thing.

I have no books or poems to use as an example this time. I feel so sad and sick in the pit of my stomach. Also very very alone. You think you know people but actually you don't and you want to shout at them and say "you have made me cry...again" but you don't at the risk of upsetting them. Really am hating Wolverhampton at the moment!

I was given those books as a christmas present I must have been seven or eight, as I still lived in Watford. I remember christmas day so clearly. It had snowed when we woke up. We lived just by Cassiobury park. My little sister had an electric motorbike, I had the books. Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter.
I loved those books, but my favourite was winter. The mice were in the store stump and planning the ball they were to have because it had snowed.
I always wanted to be in the store stump because it was warm and had food. The ball later on was a bonus, just wanted to wear a pretty dress.
Thought of it today because it snowed, and wished I knew the way to the store stump!

Some of you know I went away this weekend. I had a great time and I got a tattoo. It is now wednesday (actually early thursday morning) anyway my husband is not aware yet that I have it. Just thinking that the status of our relationship can not be so good. It has been over a year now since we last went out together both of us favouring our friends over each other.
Before we dated we were best friends, we should not have crossed that line. Saying that we have two great children.
Will think on this more.....................